• Lister: Hol- need some advice, mate. We've been cornered by a T-Rex that was formerly a sparrow, and the only thing that can turn it back into Woody Woodpecker is in its stomach. What's your take on the situation?
• Holly: What do you want — the long or the short version?
• Lister: Oh. Long.
• Holly: You're finished.
• Cat: What's the short version?
• Holly: Bye.

• Lister: Hol- need some advice, mate. We've been cornered by a T-Rex that was formerly a sparrow, and the only thing that can turn it back into Woody Woodpecker is in its stomach. What's your take on the situation?
• Holly: What do you want — the long or the short version?
• Lister: Oh. Long.
• Holly: You're finished.
• Cat: What's the short version?
• Holly: Bye.

• [Lister takes the witness stand]
• Kryten: Name?
• Lister: Dave Lister.
• Kryten: Occupation?
• Lister: [looks bewildered for a moment, then answers] Uh, bum.
• Kryten: Sir, would you describe the accused [Rimmer] as a friend?
• Cat: Take the Fifth!
• Kryten: Sir, please answer the question. Remember you are under polygraphic surveillance: Would you describe the accused as a friend?
• Lister: No, I'd describe the accused as a git.
• Kryten: And who would you say feels most fondly for him?
• Lister: Well, I do.
• Kryten: And there are no others who have shared intimate moments with him?
• Lister: Only one, but she's got a puncture!
• Rimmer: Objection!
• Justice: Overruled.

Cat & Lister playing scrabble

• Cat: Hey hey hey, I've got you now, buddy! J, O, Z, X, Y, Q, K!
• Lister: That's not a word.
• Cat: It's a Cat word.
• Lister: Jozxyqk?
• Cat: That's not how you pronounce it!
• Lister: What does it mean?
• Cat: It's the sound you make when you get your sexual organs trapped in something.
• Lister: Is it in the dictionary?
• Cat: Well it could be, if you're reading in the nude and close the book too quick. Jozxyqk!!!